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Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
"I have good news and bad news," the defence lawyer says to his client. "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.