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"I have good news and bad news," the defence lawyer says to his client. "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? "Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"