Fresh

I remember one time I brought my report card home, I go, "Hey Pop, I got a B in Reading!" He goes, "That's a D, you idiot!"

Do you see a class photo?

"I have good news and bad news," the defence lawyer says to his client. "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Master of camouflage

"It has never bothered me that my fiancee's not Jewish until a week ago. We were home. We were doing the crossword together. The clue is 'a Hebrew month,' four letters. He writes, 'July.'"