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A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight.
Dear God, my prayer for the next year is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.